


Crack Your Knuckles In My Mouth

by oceanographerschoice



Category: My Babysitter's A Vampire
Genre: Breakup, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Out of Character Content, Self-Indulgent, Transphobia, Violence, theres sex in it but i tried to not be very graphic about it???, trans!Benny, underage tag just in case, venting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 05:36:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18329681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceanographerschoice/pseuds/oceanographerschoice
Summary: Benny Weir is a transgender teenager in a happy relationship with his best friend Ethan Morgan, but when Ethan shows his true colors, Benny is thrown into a vicious spiral down the drain that seems to just get deeper and deeper.-Fic heavily inspired by song lyrics and by personal drama.https://open.spotify.com/user/jacedotexe/playlist/4RpUueFWtSius4rcKd0AwH?si=fS-aeQC2QV2Ilj48pje0kg





	1. Not Even A Star

**Author's Note:**

> I've been having a super rough time and I have been writing MBAV fanfiction for a really long time, but I've never really written anything this gross? It's very out of character for Ethan in particular and it's mostly taking out my personal issues in the form of fic, so I'm sorry if it bugs anyone or makes anyone uncomfortable.

The surprise visit initially seemed like a good idea, he knew Ethan’s parents weren’t home and it certainly wouldn’t have been the first time Benny had knocked at Ethan’s bedroom door with plans of fooling around… but this hallway was a death trap, it felt like those halls in haunted houses where the walls were cushioned with giant inflatables that you have to squeeze yourself through but the reality of the situation was that it was just a normal hallway. There was no obstacle. Hyperfixtating on the way his feet sounded on the rug leading to Ethan’s room, he peered through the crack in the door. 

“Shh! I think someone’s there!” A female voice loudly whispered and giggled, the bed creaking surrounding her words. “I don’t think there is, babe, just relax.” A moan, so pornographic and feminine that it pierced Benny’s brain echoed off the walls and through the fog of shock clouding Benny’s conscience.   
Oh my fucking god, that’s Sarah. 

Benny decided to just stand there, listening in disbelief. He’d been with Ethan, what,  
over a year? Ethan was the only person who ever truly accepted his identity full heartedly and at this point he felt like he was walking in on someone invading his house, as if Sarah were a wild animal in his refrigerator, or a burglar in his dresser. Sarah was Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge and transcending God himself, a thief! He wasn’t sure what to do, not that there was a right path of action to take. He clutched the straps of his backpack. There was a strip of condoms in the front pocket that came to mind, so he slowly slipped off his backpack and found them, ripping off a single one and chucking it into the room.

Dead fucking silence for what felt like an eternity. 

“Hello?” Ethan called, his voice quaked with the anxiety of a person who really thought  
they were getting away with it, like a child being caught stealing from the cookie jar. 

“It’s Benny.” Benny felt like his vocal cords could snap his voice was so tight. “I figured you guys were having a good time, so I supplied ammo for round two. Have a good night.” He turned around, getting further and further away from Ethan’s panicked voice and the sound of Sarah presumably wiggling into jeans. “You told me you dumped him!” “I hadn’t gotten around to it! I don’t know how to tell him!” “Well, I guess you don’t have to do the work now, huh?”

He stopped dead in his tracks, considering the pros and cons of turning around and grabbing Ethan by the hair and slamming his head into the desk. He honestly thought it over before continuing down the hallway and down the stairs, to the front porch and into his car. The second the driver’s side door was shut, he lost it. 

“WHAT THE FUCK?” He started screaming and hitting the steering wheel. This had to be a nightmare, or a pocket universe, or a spell gone wrong. Ethan loved him and they had a date friday night, and prom this spring, and everything was going to be perfect when they finally came out publicly as a couple and- “JESUS CHRIST.” Benny’s binder felt like it was going to crack his ribs, his knuckles were swollen, and his face was puffy from ugly crying.

Inhale. Exhale. He started the car and turned on his Spotify list, shuffle, no time to pick out a song to cry to, or the energy to switch the song when it turned out to be soul crushing.

/If I could, I’d be your little spoon and kiss your fingers forevermore./

It felt like he couldn’t stop sniffling as he pulled out of the driveway, half catching sight of Ethan on the porch. Down the street, past the gas station, the school parking lot. Every single inch of this god damn town was covered with Ethan, every trip to get big gulps, every time they've run down the street in fear of monsters, every single laugh, hug, kiss, date night. Over. 

/I’m not the moon, I’m not even a star./  
“Me too.”


	2. Are You In The Mood?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A destructive Facebook post made on impulse kick starts what Benny feels could be the end of him ever feeling happy again.

Benny’s bedroom felt like a weird dissociative wasteland, he hadn’t left his personal hell for at least 2 hours. He had come home from Ethan’s house and briefly explained the situation to Evelyn, who calmly told him to not do anything too rash. In all honesty, from the get-go, Benny knew he wasn’t going to listen, in fact, he was already planning all the dramatic things he could do if Ethan tried to start shit.

It seemed that his bed didn’t even exist, that the only real thing were the two apps he’d been switching between for what felt like hour after hour while Ethan took his time responding, floating in cyberspace. The conversation with Ethan was smooth, but brutally honest.

“the truth of the matter is that im not into boys, at least the way i thought i was, i’ve never been able to get you in my mind as a boy, anyway, it’s hard”

The text was a stab in the back like no other. All these years of transitioning and coming to Ethan for the validation he desperately needed and this was the final outcome. Benny felt like his blood was gasoline, or like he could throw up ectoplasm. 

“ethan do you realize how disgusting that is of you? you fuckin used me as easy pussy”

“gonna be honest, maybe”

“stay out of my life please”

“so you’re going to throw away years of friendship because i got confused about my sexuality”

“that’s not confused??? you used me like a girl for your pleasure??? you like girls??? i can’t be friends with you after that. i caught you cheating on me on top of that too so like????”

Ethan didn’t text back.

“did you want to keep our relationship private so no one knew you were fucking a boy?”

Ethan didn’t text back.

“what about all the times that you sat with me while i lost my mind about how i didn’t feel like a “real boy” was that just acting? how much of this was real? did you even have feelings for me?”

Ethan didn’t text back.

“you kept me safe all these years, no one at school even knows i’m trans because of how hard we worked to keep it under wraps and it was all you being a fucking liar?? you’re disgusting”

Ethan decided to text back.

“you’re right we shouldn’t be friends”

“ok”

“but if you tell anyone that i did gay shit im going to ruin your life.”

“bet”

“excuse me”

 

“bet”  
Benny got out of bed, feeling like jello considering he hadn’t gotten up from his spot in hours, his blood was boiling, he felt like where he stepped he lit fire to the carpet. He rummaged through his desk drawers for the first thing he felt could ruin Ethan. 

Date night polaroids, lighter, phone camera.

He took a clear photo of the polaroid of them kissing by a swing set at the park by Benny’s house, selfie style, gushing with PDA. This photo had been a dirty little secret for months, something for Benny to look at when he was alone, when he needed reminding that he was loved. It was useless now.

A short video of the polaroid on fire, disfiguring Ethan’s face in it’s path of destruction.  
Posted to Facebook at 10 P.M.

The comments were wild, person after person questioning why the photo existed and what caused Benny to burn it.

“ain’t yall friends?”  
Benny laughed out loud at the comment, his gasoline blood ablaze.  
“not anymore lol”

When Benny came down from the high of his anger, he could barely console himself. Curled up in bed with his phone, ugly crying like a kid who just gotten spanked for bad grades. This couldn’t be happening, right? He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, listening to his phone buzz over, and over, and over, and over, and over-

He woke up. His alarm for school was like a tornado siren, but it certainly didn’t clear his head. He was still in his clothes from going to see Ethan, sweating in his jeans and hoodie. He needed to shower but he only had 15 minutes to get to the bus stop, and on top of that his phone was on 30 percent. Shit. He decided to just go to school the way he was, not going through the Facebook notifications until he got to the bus stop.It seemed that the entire town was gray, including himself. His mouth was sticky with sleep, and he could feel the dull ache of his binder, at least 12 hours overdue from needing to be taken off, but going to school without it wasn’t an option. There was so many notifications that he could give the screen a solid swipe and just watch them go, and go, and go. Wait, is that one from Ethan? He stopped the scrolling immediately to see what photos he just had to be tagged in.

An album of 50+ photos of Benny as he transitioned, starting with photos of him in elementary school, running around with Ethan in rainbow leggings and a Pokemon shirt, and ending with photos of him without and with his first binder. In the middle were awkward photo after awkward photo. Wearing a beanie to hide his long hair, wearing makeup at the school dance, photos of his first “boy” haircut. Evidence of the truth, all things his classmates in high school just didn’t know about until now. The bus pulled up, it felt like everyone was staring. 

The ride to school was hell, his classmates asking about the album loudly and with no regard for his privacy, not that the situation could be private anymore Benny just put his headphones in and scrolled until he found a song to match precisely how felt.

/Did it happen near the house? Was it closer to the pavement? How did you feel when you found out? Who’d you tell and how’d you phrase it?/   
His lungs were collapsing, his eyes stung as he watched the neighborhoods pass. There were people in those houses getting ready for work, for school, and it seemed that none of them could come even close to the agony in his chest. The bus driver looked in the mirror, calmly asking people to not call Benny a “tranny” or else he might pull the bus over.

/Crack your knuckles in my mouth, dry them off, please, as you pull them out. I just need to know how you sound from the inside out./

The tears came and they were ugly and sticky, and he shook almost violently, covering his head as if it would shield him from the words flying around him. He wanted to go home, he wanted to break open a pencil sharpener, he wanted to leave streaks of fresh red hell on his thighs, he wanted to collapse entirely and start screaming, he wanted Ethan to come back. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan.

“Hey, buddy.” Rory’s voice was clear and soothing as he sat down next to Benny. “I heard that Ethan outed you, so I brought you some candy and some nerd shit to cheer you up.” Benny looked up from his backpack to face him, and Rory was a beam of sunshine. He was cradling a few packs of Magic: The Gathering cards that were entirely unopened and a bag of Sour Patch Kids. “Thank you so much, you really didn’t have to-” Rory dumped the gifts on top of Benny’s backpack which was situated on his lap. “Go ahead, dig in, dude.”

Benny’s heart reeled back with the start of a horrible mistake.


	3. How Soon Is Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benny contemplates whether or not rebounding to Rory was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled pretty hard with writing this one, but I'm assuming the last two chapters will pick up in quality.   
> Sometimes you just gotta fight that writers block.

Under the blue fairy lights in Benny’s bedroom, Rory looked ethereal. His bare, pale shoulders looked soft as baby powder under the hue, and Benny’s heart fluttered. “You know,” Rory was speaking, and Benny was listening but his blood was rushing in his ears and he couldn’t really pay attention. “I’m going to live forever, B.” Rory looked hungry, in a way that was so inexplicable that Benny didn’t know what to say, so he just said: “I know.” “...and you won’t.” He was smiling, and he reached out and gently touched Benny’s neck, making Benny cringe.  
“It’s just an option.”  
The carpet burned Benny’s elbows as he leaned on them, Rory leaning closer in, taking the heat and air out of the space between them. Benny felt like he was suffocating. Why was that hot? Rory placed a hand on Benny’s chest, feeling the soft fabric of his olive green binder. “Can I kiss you?” “Rory, you don’t need to ask anymore.” Rory smashed his lips into Benny’s without skill or regard for Benny’s comfort, and it was cold. Rory was always cold, it was one of the only things that reminded him that he wasn’t human anymore, that there wasn’t blood pumping through him. He wasn’t kissing Ethan, but he could pretend.  
Benny could touch Rory’s bare chest and pretend he was pushing Ethan to his floor, like he used to. He could pretend the noises he was hearing were Ethan begging for more, that this pressure in his head was arousal, or, or, or-  
At least Rory fucked him like he was a boy, he called him handsome and ignored his chest after he took off his binder. At least Rory fucked him like he was a boy, even if he was cold and bad at it.  
Rory had gone to the bathroom to clean himself up, and Benny laid on his back on the floor, staring up into the fairy lights and the glow in the dark star stickers. Rory was all he had, and it had only been a month with him, it had to get better, he reasoned. He sat up, searching for his binder. Ethan still pervaded everything he saw, heard, and felt. He helped pay for that binder.  
Rory peeked his head in the door.   
“Darling, consider my offer. I’m getting in the shower if that’s alright with you.” Benny nodded and laid back down without putting his binder back on. An eternity with a boy he wasn’t even in love with, far, far away from here? Benny began to hum to himself while considering it.  
/I am human, and I need to be loved just like anybody else does./

**Author's Note:**

> Reach out if you want to! I'm always down to talk about my work or this show in general.


End file.
